It's a beautiful late winter day and I've been blessed with an unusual amount of free time, for a weekend, but ever since reading the first three aliyot of Parasha Shemini, I've felt an unusual amount of anxiety and existential worry.
Last year, I did study the entire Torah through guided, online lessons. But to make a long story short, I certainly did not remember that the story of Nadav and Avihu was contained in this week's portion. The feeling was like re-reading your favorite book but not remembering exactly where the main character gets killed, then stumbling upon that section without preparation and basically being blindsided by it.
There are hundreds, if not thousands, of interpretations regarding their actions of bringing an "alien fire" into the Kodesh HaKodashim and then promptly being consumed by a Holy Fire, including that (and not to speak lashon hara of these ancestral greats) they were intoxicated (see the commandments given immediately after their death regarding intoxication and holy service), they were inappropriately moved to bring their own, "un-commanded" offering to G-d, and that their spirits were so fiery that their souls essentially had an unquenchable, G-d forbid, death wish and desire to re-unite with their Creator, to more mundane explanations such as that since the incense offering had not yet been made, they assumed it was their duty to do so. Regardless, the Torah's succinctness describing this episode -- and its aftermath -- could not be any clearer: they made a grave error and paid for it with their lives.
The reason for the anxiety is that if these priestly, ultra-holy ancestors perished as a result of making one wrong move, how much more so for us, who are not sons of Aharon and who did not receive instruction and guidance essentially straight from the Mouth of H'? Is it that we are held to a much lower standard? Or is it something much more anxiety-provoking, in that if we err once, we could meet the same result? In all fairness to them, while there is no doubt regarding Nadav and Avihu's error, I don't remember any explicit instruction from G-d not to do what they did. What's perhaps even more frightening is that something obviously motivated them to bring the "alien fire" - something that they surely considered to be their "inner, holy voice" - so if they misinterpreted this most critical of instructions, how can we ensure we do not do so as well?
I feel like I have a great amount of processing to do regarding this story. And it is one that I will return to again and again on my own spiritual quest - exactly what they do wrong (if it's fair to say that what they did was even wrong), their motivations for doing so, the state they left their family and nation in, and their legacy in both the Torah and beyond. For now, as the Torah so directly reminds us, every single choice we make -- certainly regarding spiritual matters but, if you think about it, what environment or choice isn't spiritual, with eternal implications? -- can quite literally be the difference between life and death, whether that takes a physical form or not. And there is certainly something to be said that the more learned and spiritually dialed-in one grows, the exponentially stricter the standard becomes.
The Torah later, in Devarim, commands us to "choose life." We must constantly be on guard, and be mindful, of constantly making choices toward affirming and choosing life - with the ultimate consequence being so clearly described in this portion.
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